Currently listening...

1. Armin Van Buuren - Burned With Desire
2. Jem - They
3. Adam K - Long Distance
4. Kaskade - Your Love Is Black
5. Bob Sinclair - World Hold On
6. Sia - Lentil
7. Kaskade - 4 AM (Adam K & Soha Remix)
8. Zero 7 - The Pageant of the Bizarre
9. The Cure - Lullaby
10. The Cure - Just Like Heaven

So rather than compiling my list the day I post my "Currently listening..." I decided this time to build it throughout the month when I get stuck on a song (or songs), which resulted in a SUPER random list. Of course there's the expected house tracks, and the sentimental ones, but there's also songs I have kind of forgotten about, such as Lullaby. I was at a friend's house a couple of weeks ago and after a long, full, and tiring weekend, he was playing music for us and happened to play Lullaby. I love this song and have not heard it for years. So thank you, Frank.

World Hold On is my new Myspace song; I was listening to this one night with a couple friends while coming home from the club and I WISH I knew how to whistle! This is one of those songs that makes me happy every time I hear it.

The two songs by Kaskade are on his latest album, Strobelite Seduction, which I have mentioned repeatedly, but just cannot get enough of. A dj friend of mine played his remix of one of the tracks and the conversation that ensued was mostly about how the greatest thing about his mix was that now the song is eight minutes long; twice as long as the original, and worth every second of listening.

Then of course, there's Sia. I love her and true love lasts a lifetime. She is the vocalist for The Pageant of the Bizarre as well which is off Zero 7's album, The Garden. I just love her voice. The emotion she puts in is unbelievable. The best show I have EVER seen. Period.

Huh? What?

Some people are far more presumptuous than they should be. Or perhaps they are too presumptuous of certain situations. I'm hoping that the most recent assumptions made on my behalf fall into the latter category.

This guy I've been hanging out with invited me over on Friday night and when I got there proceeded to tell me that I had a crush on him, and that I know he's not looking for anything but I desperately wish that would change, and that I would move in with him and be with him in a heartbeat if he asked me to. Now, only ONE of those things is true. It is true that I have a crush on him. However, the biggest factor preventing me from EVER considering a relationship with him is that he has four children, and I am nowhere near ready to take on motherhood, especially if they're not my own children. Just because I have a crush on him, and enjoy spending time with him, DOES NOT mean I want a relationship with him. Yet somehow, that's all he hears from me. Not only am I not allowed to interrupt him while he's telling me things about myself, I don't even get a chance to respond. So now my question is this: Do I write him an email or text since I can't ever tell him out loud what I'm thinking? Or do I just stop hanging out with him altogether?

Both options have their advantages. I feel that I write fairly well and can express myself through writing so if I write an email detailing my thoughts and feelings, he'll be able to understand a bit more clearly where I'm coming from. Although, if I just cut him off completely, I don't have to worry about how he's going to interpret everything I say. Plus he lives in Herriman, which is just too far to consider a relationship, IF that's what EITHER ONE of us was interested in, which we're not.

After this terribly presumptuous conversation (PC) that we had, he then proceeded to tell me to not get attached to him. Of course, my immediate response is that I'm not getting attached. Which is mostly the case. I do feel an attachment to him, but on a much more platonic than romantic level. I consider him one of my friends and think that I know him better than most of his friends do, at the moment. So any attachment that I'm feeling, is not due to any romantic feelings that I might have, but rather for a friend. So after thinking about it, I told him I'm really not attached to him, in "that way."

Although speaking of attachment...two weeks ago he told me he loved me. So what am I supposed to do with that?? I asked him, and he said not to ever use that against him again. So I said I wouldn't, but I'm still awfully confused about the whole thing. Then, on Thursday morning (the day before the PC) I woke up to a text that said:

Its weird. Don't get the wrong idea...I miss you

Now, it seems to me, that I'm the one that should be worried about attachment issues. But I can't tell him this. It just doesn't work that way.

C'est la vie, right? There's always going to be decisions to be made and it seems to me that this one is not necessarily a right or wrong decision. My guess is that it will become a decision of convenience. So we'll see what happens over the next couple of weeks.

Currently listening...

1. ATB - Ecstasy
2. Jose Gonzalez - Crosses (Tiesto mix)
3. Ferry Corsten - Beautiful
4. Peter, Bjorn and John - Young Folks
5. The Engine Room - A Perfect Lie (Gabriel & Dresden mix)
6. Armin Van Buuren & DJ Shah feat. Chris Jones - Going Wrong
7. Peter, Bjorn and John - Paris 2004
8. Delerium feat. Sarah McLachlan - Silence (Oakenfold mix)
9. Kaskade - Move For Me
10. The Beach Boys - California Dreamin (Benny Benassi mix)

I love the people that introduce me to new music. A friend of mine decided to play Ecstasy over and over and over one Sunday morning and even though I had heard it literally 12 times in a row, I've still been listening to it for the last week and a half. On that Sunday morning, my friends were laying on the living room floor and that song was playing and of them asked me if I knew who it was. He happens to be much more of an ATB fan that I am, but I told him I was pretty sure that's who it was, and of course, he didn't believe me so I googled it and turns out, I was right!

So when I do my monthly "Currently listening..." post, I find myself listening to at least one song that I've listed before. Obviously, I like the music I listen to and want to share it (hence the posts) but I try not to repeat listings and as I was looking over past posts today, I realized that I had never listed Crosses. The Tiesto remix of that song is my favorite song from 2007. Whenever my friend Christian plays, I always ask him to play it for me. Unfortunately, you cannot get this mix on any album. It is simply unavailable. If you'd like to check it out, here's the link to my favorite video of it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wejDP_OtbdE

or you can get it here:
http://www.savefile.com/files/947963

If you watch the video, at one point it shows newspaper headlines and the translation is that there were 200 THOUSAND people on the beach in Rio for this show. I saw Tiesto at Harry O's last summer, and it was the smallest venue on his tour, but I just can't even comprehend that kind of crowd. Anyway, the point is that this song touches me and I wanted to share it.

Young Folks I heard almost two years ago from a friend of mine, long before it was heard on the radio. Listening to it just makes me happy. I can't whistle, so I can't really "sing" along with it, but I love it all the same. For about a year, it was my favorite song, you know the one that you can listen to on repeat and not get tired of it? That was this song for me until Crosses.

The new Kaskade album is awesome. Move For Me is the first track and I dig the opening of it so much. It's a bit syncopated and it gets inside you. I can't get enough of this music. This song has been stuck in my head for WEEKS. We went to see BT play at The Hotel a few weeks ago and listened to Kaskade's album all night long afterward and it made for a fantastic night! Move For Me has a great beat, melody and lyrics as well. Plus I haven't really liked Kaskade's more recent stuff, until now, which is nice because he's always been one of my favorite DJs.

So this one has been a very long "Currently listening..." but I like to share what makes me feel good. These songs get inside me.

Gay Pride

I love Gay Pride weekend. I love partying and eating and playing and staring at the crazies and everything else that it entails. The only difference this year was that I actually made it to the parade...I have missed it every year and think that missing it again would not have been too much of a tragedy. However...

We walked over to the pride grounds right after the parade and were there until they kicked us out at 6:30ish. How many hours of hula hooping and sunning are too many? I still can't answer that question but 7 1/2 seems to be pushing my limits in that department. Of course, there is the inevitability of tiring from the fact that several days of partying catches up to you sooner or later so perhaps the exhaustion at the end of Sunday was not from too many hours in the sun but merely a result of my body screaming at me to stop abusing it in the manner I am accustomed to.

I am still trying to recover but I started working full-time this week and getting up at 6:45am is not conducive to the recovery process. In conclusion, I leave you with this:

To all the gays (or at least the ones that are my friends): I love you, I love you, I love you. That's all!

Common Courtesy?

Perhaps I am slightly stuck in the ideal of the days before cell phones when people had to be where they said they would be, and do the things they said they would do or endure the wrath of their angry and/or disappointed friends, family, colleagues, and coexisting beings.

On a slightly unrelated note: If someone was doing a favor for you, I would think that you would be inclined to be kind to that person, and if the situation involving that favor changed, I would think that that person would be the first to know. I would think. However, that line of thinking is apparently incorrect, inferring from my recent experience.

The complete lack of respect and regard for others has me disappointed with the state of humanity. And I'm not one to feel down on myself (and those around me) simply because of a bad experience. But recently I have been on the receiving end of that disrespect and disregard, and it hurts. Someone in my life, that I care(d) about, completely dismissed my efforts to help. And this was after I had been ASKED to help. Now, this was no inconvenience for me whatsoever, but the absence of communication has me frustrated to no end. It has been eating at me ever since which bothers me even more because normally I don't hold on to things. In fact, I hardly ever even get mad so to be upset for over a week about this is quite troubling.

Okay, back to my point...be considerate of friends, acquaintances, others in general, or at least be considerate to those you need something from. It will make your life and theirs a hell of a lot easier. And one more thing, I hate flaky people. There is almost nothing that bothers me more. So if you're going to be a flake, stay away from me.

Currently listening...

1. Tal M. Klein - Emmylou's Petting Zoo (Omegaman Remix)
2. Incubus - Dig
3. Tal M. Klein - Plastic Starfish
4. Kaskade - It's You It's Me
5. Jack Johnson - On and On
6. Gym Class Heroes - Cupid's Chokehold
7. Incubus - The Warmth
8. Incubus - Clean
9. Daft Punk - Harder Better Faster Stronger
10. The Bravery - Time Won't Let Me Go

I think this is the most random "Currently listening..." yet. Tal M. Klein. AMAZING! He mixes funky beats with awesome melodies and great baselines. I can't stop listening to him. If anyone is interested, www.myspace.com/plasticstarfish. Check it out, you won't be disappointed.

Back to Incubus. I will always love their music. It doesn't necessarily cheer me up, but it expresses things I feel for me so that I don't have to discover how to express it myself. The Warmth is one of my all-time favorite songs because of the lyrics. Clean is more about the beat for me. I love the opening of Clean and it will always make me think of going to see Napoleon Dynamite when we were in Phoenix for Piper's wedding. We were walking out of the theater and I heard the song start. I knew that I knew the song, but it took me a few measures before I could place it.

Now Kaskade. I know I've written about him before, but honestly, he is one of my favorite (and one of the most talented) house djs. It's You It's Me is my favorite Kaskade song, but really, they're all good.

The question posed: Would you rather be blind or deaf? I don't even have to think about it. I could not live without music. There would be no point to my life if there wasn't a soundtrack to it. A soundtrack to my soul. Obviously, then, I would rather be blind. Absolutely no hesitation, no doubt.

I was at a club one night, and someone asked me if I had ever heard the song that was playing. The answer was no, so the follow-up question was how I knew when it going to drop, or when the beat would break. The answer: I just feel it. For those who appreciate house/trance/electronica/etc. it just works. You just feel it. You get it and it does something for you! JUST FEEL IT

Building it up to let it go...

I've known this was coming for about seven or eight weeks, but I'm so glad it is finally here. The person I was dating broke up with me about six weeks ago and I have been waiting for him to leave. I know that I have built it up but I think in some strange way that will make it easier for me once he is gone. The fact that he has stopped talking to me completely within the last two weeks is also making it easier to let go.

Part of the reason I have been holding on to this is because this was the first relationship I have had in about five years. So while I did like him a whole lot (I may have even been a little in love), I think a big part of why I didn't want to let go is because I like the idea of him. Which is interesting, because I told him that just a few weeks into us dating. The following is an email that I sent him, albeit unintentionally, after he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship with me; that he wasn't sure if the spark was there (emphasis added):

after putting quite a lot of thought into this weekend here's what i've come up with:

i feel like i am ready for a relationship therefore i am looking for one. if you are not feeling like you want one with me then i don't want to hinder other possibilities because i'm holding on to the thought of you. so unfortunately (or maybe not) i need to either progress with you, or stop dating you altogether

I wrote that on February 12, five weeks after we started dating. So I already knew that I was holding on to the idea of a relationship, not necessarily him. Then why was I so heartbroken the first month after he broke up with me? Obviously things change, and things had changed a lot from the time I wrote that email to the time we broke up, but even still, it feels like I knew it wasn't going to work from the beginning so I deceived myself for a long time thinking that it could.

The whole point of this is that I have been building up to his departure and now that it's here, I think it will be an instantaneous break from my heart. I'm ready.