Building it up to let it go...

I've known this was coming for about seven or eight weeks, but I'm so glad it is finally here. The person I was dating broke up with me about six weeks ago and I have been waiting for him to leave. I know that I have built it up but I think in some strange way that will make it easier for me once he is gone. The fact that he has stopped talking to me completely within the last two weeks is also making it easier to let go.

Part of the reason I have been holding on to this is because this was the first relationship I have had in about five years. So while I did like him a whole lot (I may have even been a little in love), I think a big part of why I didn't want to let go is because I like the idea of him. Which is interesting, because I told him that just a few weeks into us dating. The following is an email that I sent him, albeit unintentionally, after he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship with me; that he wasn't sure if the spark was there (emphasis added):

after putting quite a lot of thought into this weekend here's what i've come up with:

i feel like i am ready for a relationship therefore i am looking for one. if you are not feeling like you want one with me then i don't want to hinder other possibilities because i'm holding on to the thought of you. so unfortunately (or maybe not) i need to either progress with you, or stop dating you altogether

I wrote that on February 12, five weeks after we started dating. So I already knew that I was holding on to the idea of a relationship, not necessarily him. Then why was I so heartbroken the first month after he broke up with me? Obviously things change, and things had changed a lot from the time I wrote that email to the time we broke up, but even still, it feels like I knew it wasn't going to work from the beginning so I deceived myself for a long time thinking that it could.

The whole point of this is that I have been building up to his departure and now that it's here, I think it will be an instantaneous break from my heart. I'm ready.