Currently listening...

1. Armin Van Buuren - The Sound of Goodbye
2. Jes - Imagination (Kaskade remix)
3. Sunlounger - Another Day On the Terrace
4. Sultan - No Why (Starsweeper Summer Breeze remix)
5. Robbie Rivera - Float Away (Ali Dubfire remix)
6. Starsweeper - Sexual
7. Rui Da Silva - Touch Me
8. Coldplay - Don't Panic
9. Rise Against - Swing Life Away
10. Sunlounger - White Sand (Armin Van Buuren remix)

My friends and I create albums. We don't just make "mix-tape" compilations, we actually compose a track listing according (as much as possible) to beat matching, style, etc. Our albums have titles and the most recent one we made was "Skip's Picks, Vol. 1" which contains some of the songs listed in this month's posting. The CD is all trance, but not too hard.

I first heard a DJ friend's mix of No Why about a year ago and fell in love with it. I had never heard of Sultan, but loved this mix. Since then, and especially recently, I have heard more and more from Sultan, and have come to appreciate him as a producer, and a DJ. I got to see him play at the Depot the night before Thanksgiving, and he was INCREDIBLE!

The Sound of Goodbye is one of my favorite Armin songs. It is dark and dirty and I love it! The other track from Armin (well, his remix anyway) is White Sand. The guitar in this song makes me so happy every time I hear it.

I love Jes' voice. Skip and Girl found Imagination one night and couldn't stop talking about it. I have to say, I agree with their high opinion of the song, but wouldn't expect anything less from Kaskade.

As always, all the tracks listed are definitely worth checking out. They make my life enjoyable, or when things are really bad, at least bearable.

The Clubhouse!

One of the BEST ideas we have ever had was last Saturday night. We discovered an entrance to the attic in our hallway, and decided to go exploring. S___ hoisted us up on his shoulders and we disappeared into the darkness. It was so dirty up there!! We had to find a beam each time we put our foot down, but G___ and S___ and I carefully meandered our way to the front windows and looked out. It was so cool to see the street from that perspective.

When we finally got S___ to let us back down, we were covered in insulation and dirt. I had a couple of good scratches on my right forearm; battle wounds!! So now, we're going to make a "No Girls Allowed" clubhouse up there with a rope-ladder and everything! It's going to be so much fun! Grand opening next weekend and as far as invitations go, you know who you are...

Update #2

Obviously almost every post is an update, but my very first post back in February was titled "Update #1" and I'm structuring this one exactly like that one. So here it is...

I live next to SLCC with my best friend and her two girls, my goddaughters.

I do not have a job.

I am still not married; not even close.

I am not dating anyone at the moment. And I don't really have the desire to.

I still live less than five miles away from my family and while I was seeing them more frequently for a while, I am back to hardly seeing them at all.

I will be 25 on my next birthday in March. And I CANNOT wait!

I have never been as happy as I am right now.

I did not know I had the capacity to love as much as I do until I met my "Crew" this year.

I have the most amazing friends. I know everyone thinks that they have the best friends, but we actually do.

mommy moments and unemployment

Since I am unemployed, I have become a part-time nanny for my goddaughters, who I live with. I posted earlier about having them home sick with me, but I also have them frequently in the evenings as well.

Wednesday morning G___ took Allee to school and went to work early. I was supposed to get Kalaya up and ready for school, and her dad was going to pick her up. I went in to wake her up and started calling her name, rubbing her back, gently shaking her and even giving her patty-pats. She told me her tummy hurt but I know she doesn't like getting up in the morning and told her that I would make her some toast, and that would probably help her feel better. Apparently, I'm not very convincing because that had absolutely no effect on her whatsoever. I called G___ and told her and while I was on the phone, I turned around and Kalaya had her hand over her mouth and I could tell she was vomiting. I grabbed her pajama top (which had been tossed on the floor in the middle of the night) and dumped her hand into it and then grabbed her to take her into the bathroom. I was still on the phone, while carrying Kalaya and getting thrown up on. Fine, whatever. She's four, and it really didn't bother me all that much.

I put her in the bathtub, stripped the bed and started a load of laundry with sheets, and both mine and Kalaya's pajamas. I put fresh sheets on the bed and new pajamas on Kalaya and we went and climbed back in bed. I had a bowl next to her and we were cuddling with her CareBear. My back was to her and all of a sudden, I heard her coughing and once again, my shoulder was covered in vomit. *BREATHE* It's okay. These things happen. But there's a bowl ON THE OTHER SIDE OF HER!! *BREATHE*

So we went through the whole ordeal again of cleaning up, but instead of getting back in bed, this time we sat on the living room floor, with the bowl in her lap. This time, I'm ready.

Well, she was fine the rest of the day but all I could think was this: This kind of thing isn't supposed to happen until AFTER you have children. Again, it honestly didn't bother me all that much, but even still...I got thrown up on twice but a sweet, sick little girl.

Regarding my job hunt: Today marks the 52nd day that I have been unemployed. I have applied for close to 100 jobs and have had two interviews. The few weeks I've had off so far have been nice and while the main driving force behind my job hunt is the income thing (go figure), I am already extremely bored and fear that too much more of this will drive me to a Fear and Loathing type experience, dragging my family with me. Only in this case, we're going to Mexico.

Currently listening...

A little late on the posting again. This is my list for November:

1. Wippenberg - Chakalaka
2. Keemo & Tim Royko - Beautiful Lie
3. The Mitchell Project - Alive
4. Agnelli & Nelson - Holding Onto Nothing
5. Portishead - Cowboys
6. Coldplay - Don't Panic
7. RJD2 - Smoke & Mirrors
8. Pink Floyd - Comfortably Numb
9. Postal Service - Such Great Heights
10. Armin Van Buuren feat. Racoon - Love You More

The first four tracks are from a CD that a friend made titled "November Trance" and if you would like a copy (because it's worth listening to the whole thing) let me know and I will get you one. Beautiful Lie is my favorite track on the CD, followed closely by Alive.

The next few are songs that I listened to in the airport on my way too and from Kansas. They are songs that I have enjoyed for years (in every case except for Smoke & Mirrors which I've been enjoying for months) but don't listen to as frequently. Definitely worth checking out, or revisiting.

And Love You More was introduced to me by a good friend a couple of weeks ago. The vocal mixed with the trance background is a perfect match, in my opinion.

Sign language

We left a friend in charge of Kalaya one day. Not for the whole day, just for an hour. What we came home to was sweet little Kalaya Maggie Vincent doing sign language. This friend had taught her how to say "I love you, Mom," in sign language. Here's the picture:


Since the picture is a still, and motion is involved, I'll explain it. To say, "I love you, Mom," in sign language, you put your hands above your ears and extend each index finger. Then, in rapid motion, retract and extend each finger while moving your tongue in and out of your mouth like a lizard. Easy enough.

The other sign she learned was the actual "I love you." I showed her how to do it and positioned her hand correctly. Then she started waving it around and translated, "I love you forever!" I think it's going to catch on.

So yesterday I asked Kalaya to do "I love you, Mom" for me so I could take a picture to show people how to do sign language. Her response at first was no, but then she said okay, if she could do the Shep face first. Not big, just little. So here's a picture of that:

Lawrence, KS and Thanksgiving Update...

So I put on my ruby slippers, clicked my heels three times, and I'm in Lawrence, Kansas! How amazing is that?

Seriously, I am in Kansas until Tuesday and this is the first time I have been where there are no mountains. I'm completely disoriented and have no sense of direction. Not that I need to know where I am; I'm in Kansas for goodness sake! I have a friend just about finished with his master's degree from the University of Kansas so what better way to spend my Thanksgiving weekend except out here in the heart of the country I am thankful for? There's probably a few things I can think of that might be better, but I am having fun regardless.

On a slightly different note, we cooked Thanksgiving dinner this year and I am extremely proud of the way things turned out. All the food was not just good, but very good and we only had to call various family members for help/instructions three times. Overall, an AMAZING holiday! What's on the lineup for Christmas??

I just have to reiterate this one more time (at least for now): I have the most amazing friends. I hope everyone at some point in their life experiences a relationship like I have with these people. We should all be so lucky...

My Infinite Playlist - Vol. 4

Dream Academy - Life In a Northern Town

Depeche Mode - Blasphemous Rumours

Counting Crows - Colorblind

Pearl Jam - Jeremy

Andain - Beautiful Things

Motorcycle - As The Rush Comes

Postal Service - The District Sleeps Alone Tonight

Air - Playground Love

Morcheeba - World Looking In

Portishead - Roads

Massive Attack - Angel

Fleetwood Mac - Dreams

Incubus - Agoraphobia

Zero 7 - The Pageant of the Bizarre

Weezer - Island In the Sun

Sublime - Wrong Way

Everclear - Sunflowers

Lily Allen - Everything's Just Wonderful

Sia - Lentil

Guns N Roses - Paradise City

My Infinite Playlist - Vol. 3

So I know I've been posting these frequently, but Scott and I get to talking about them and remember more and more songs that I need to list. Which means I already have Vol. 4 finished as well...

We went and saw ATB on October 10 and he played mixes of both Hide and Seek and Mr. Brightside...fucking amazing! That's all I have to say about that...for now.

Green Day - Brain Stew

Gnarls Barkley - Crazy

Gorillaz - 19-2000

Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars

Pearl Jam - Even Flow

The Killers - Mr. Brightside

The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army

Hole - Doll Parts

Imogen Heap - Hide and Seek

Frou Frou - Let Go

Regina Spektor - The Ghost of Corporate Future

Tenacious D - Tribute

God Lives Underwater - From Your Mouth

Sneaker Pimps - Six Underground

Poe - Angry Johnny

Royal Bliss - Fine Wine and Champagne

Fountains of Wayne - Someone to Love

Our Lady Peace - Superman's Dead

Sister Hazel - Champagne High

Sarah McLachlan - Good Enough

I kinda want one...

I've had the girls home sick with me for the last few days and it has reinforced the feeling of wanting a child that I started having a couple of weeks ago. We were at S___ house and I found myself envious of my friends that are parents. Most of the time I love being the aunt or godmother but this particular night I was keenly aware of the fact that there are certain things only a mother can do for children, whether they are hers or not.

Now, truthfully I don't believe that I will ever have children. And I really am okay with that. It's not because I'm single and think I won't ever find anyone or the fact that I'm diabetic. There are several reasons (which I choose not to discuss at this time) for this belief. I guess it's just that the experience of having the girls all day is something that has tripped my biological clock. But I'm sure I'll get over it soon enough.

Currently listening...

Okay, so this is my October "Currently listening..." post because we don't have internet at home right now and this is the first chance I've had to post it.

Just as a couple months ago I did In Search of Sunrise 7 for the whole post, October has been all about In Search Of Sunrise 5. Here is the track listing:

In Search of Sunrise 5: Los Angeles
Disc: 1
1. Conil - Malibu Beach
2. Mark Norman Pres. Celine - Colour My Eyes
3. Late Night Alumni - Empty Streets
4. Electro Prompt - Beside Me (Gothek DC Remix)
5. Fonzarelli - Moonlight Party
6. Leama & Moor - Everything Matters (Matthew Dekay Remix)
7. Matthew Dekay Vs. Proluctors - Let The Game Begin
8. Karen Overton - Your Loving Arms (Club Mix)
9. Parker & Hanson - Let Me Be (Extended Mix)
10. Kalafut & Fugle - Novocaine (Mark Otten Remix)
11. Jes - People Will Go (Steve Forte Rio Remix)
12. Basic Perspective - Small Step On the Other Side
13. Tom Cloud - Told You So
14. A.M. - Arise (Hammer & Fubayashi Remix)
15. Cass - Little Bird

A-MAY-ZING! I have been listening to this one at least as much as 7. I have several favorite "moments":
The first thirteen minutes, which are the first three tracks are my favorite grouping. I love everything about the first 13 minutes. Your Loving Arms has my favorite lyrics and favorite "instant" moment; when it comes in on the offbeat at about minute 40. Ooh...gives me chills. Let Me Be has my favorite vocals; her voice is so passionate. And finally, Novocaine has my favorite instrumental part. When the guitar comes in, simply and purely. This is a fan-fucking-tastic album! That's all I have to say about that.

Well worth it

Definitely splurge. That's my advice. I know that I'm the only one that actually pays attention to the prices, and the only one that actually buys them, but the fact remains that the real, non-generic brand is well worth the extra dollars.

When I remember that I've got it at a certain point, I will expose you to the joy that it can bring you. It is pure bliss in that moment and I regard it as my duty to magnify the experience. In that one moment, it creates heaven. The noises and lights of your surroundings will drop away and nothing else will exist. The world is perfect; there is nothing that can detract from that fullness.

I do not know, nor really understand, the intricacies that make the generic so different from the real thing, but in the long run, I don't need to know. What I do know is this: I am willing to pay the somewhat questionable pricetag in exchange for the enjoyment I, and the people around me, get.

My Infinite Playlist - Vol 2

A Perfect Circle - Imagine

Led Zeppelin - When the Levy Breaks

The Doors - Riders On the Storm

The Church - Under the Milky Way

Joy Division - Love Will Tear Us Apart

Gary Jules - Mad World

Snow Patrol feat. Martha Wainwright - Set the Fire to the Third Bar

Muse - Unintended

Pearl Jam - Daughter

Bush - Glycerine

Chevelle - The Red

Incubus - Clean

Counting Crows - Raining in Baltimore

New Order - Blue Monday

Alice in Chains - The Rooster

Pink Floyd - Time

Pearl Jam - Black

Incubus - Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Lovesong)

The Brazilian Girls - All About Us

Snow Patrol - Spitting Games

These are fun to do because it reminds me of old music. Old in the sense that it's been around for a long time, and old in the sense that I used to listen to it, but it's been so long that I have almost forgotten how much I love it. My "Currently listening..." is a different type of list.

The other thing about the "Infinite Playlist" posts is that they can be, in fact, infinite. So whenever I have a list compiled, expect to see it.

My Infinite Playlist - Vol 1

Counting Crows - Round Here

Zero 7 - Destiny

Delerium feat. Sarah McLachlan - Silence

REM - Everybody Hurts

Counting Crows - Anna Begins

Radiohead - Fake Plastic Trees

A Perfect Circle - Three Libras

Muse - Newborn

Counting Crows - Goodnight Elisabeth

Hot Chip - (Just Like We) Breakdown

Sia - The Girl You Lost to Cocaine

Depeche Mode - Somebody

Counting Crows - A Murder of One

The Rolling Stones - Sympathy For the Devil

Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here

Sia - Breathe Me

Nirvana - Heart-Shaped Box

Credence Clearwater Revival - Have You Ever Seen the Rain?

Ben Folds - The Luckiest

Soundgarden - Spoonman

Did that seriously just happen?

Imagine that you are at a red light behind a couple of cars. As you wait, the following situation transpires:

The passenger's door of the sedan directly in front of you opens and a small styrofoam cup and plastic spoon are dropped onto the ground and the door closes. Seconds later the driver's door of the F-350 that is next to the sedan opens and the driver hops down, picks up the cup and spoon and tosses them into the back of his truck. He climbs back in and as you watch, the truck inches forward and you can see the driver's head craning forward, apparently trying (and perhaps succeeding) to read the license plate number of the sedan.

Now, maybe I should be a little more environmentally conscious but for someone to feel such an inflated sense of self-righteousness to go as far as to pick up a piece of garbage and call the police about it has me far more troubled than the person who actually littered.

Two things

First of all, the Mexico thing is a long-term business plan so while parts of it are underway, it realistically is not going to happen on the schedule that I had originally planned. S___ and I are going to fly down on the 15th (since we already have the tickets) and scope things out to see where the most fruitful place would be, BUT, we will be coming back on the 19th, indefinitely.

And B:

My date was fun. I highly doubt I will ever see him again but hey, at least I got to date a millionaire for one night...

Revision

So it appears that there is one more HUGE reason to be looking forward to October 15. That, my friends, is the day we are moving to Mexico to sell tacos on the beach. I booked the flight yesterday (courtesy of my sugar daddy) and the family is on our way! Our taco cart was ordered on Monday so it's in the works and will be shipped directly to Mexico from Portland. Their slogan is "If you dream it, we can build it," so we submitted our specs and more quickly than we had planned, our Mexico adventure is becoming reality.

The Top 10 Reasons Why I Am Looking Forward to Oct 15...

10. I will not receive wake-up calls from my boss at 6:22 am. EVER. No one should even be awake at that hour, let alone receiving phone calls from their employer.

9. I will (or may) not have to be at work by 7:30 am. Again, it is far too early to expect functionality let alone productivity from me.

8. I could get a job with health benefits.

7. While I'm sure I will still work with some idiots, at least it will be a change of idio-scenery.

6. Even though I might not be working, I will still be getting paid until November.

5. I won't be plagued by nonsensical issues as I'm trying to walk out the door to catch my train which I inevitably miss and then subsequently curse the person responsible.

4. If I am attending Gay Pride in Reno, I will not have to field phone calls and put out nonexistent fires or listen to bullshit that will still be there on Mon...well, Tuesday.

3. I can collect unemployment!

2. I will have already seen ATB, which I've been looking forward to for months.

And the number one reason I'm looking forward to October 15:

1. I will no longer receive lectures on how if my phone was where it was supposed to be, I would not have left it at home (or in someone's car that lives in Pleasant Grove), regardless of the fact that I don't actually NEED my phone while at work since I have a phone on every surface that I might possibly be within reach of, AND I have enough numbers memorized to be able to function without my phone for a few hours.

Currently listening...

1. RJD2 - Ghostwriter
2. Chicane - Saltwater
3. M.I.A. - Paper Planes
4. Kings of Tomorrow - Finally
5. Pearl Jam - Evenflow
6. Chris Cornell - Sunshower
7. Radiohead - Karma Police
8. A:xus feat. Naomi - Baghdad Cafe (Callin' U)
9. Kaskade - Meditation to the Groove
10. Astrud Gilberto - The Gentle Rain (RJD2 remix)

Ghostwriter is my song of the week/month/year. I LOVE this song and cannot get enough of it, which is why I don't know how long I will continue to play it over and over and over. I acquired an iPod a few weeks ago and while some of the music on it is pretty decent, most of it I'm unfamiliar with and don't really care to listen to to get to know. However, there is quite a bit of RJD2 on it, which is where I discovered Ghostwriter. This song makes me dance while I'm walking down the street and I don't care what people think.

I looked back through my previous "Currently listening..." posts and didn't see Paper Planes anywhere, which I was surprised about. This is a bouncy song. You'll know what I mean when you listen to it.

The rest of these songs are all worth checking out (obviously or I wouldn't be posting them) and I love being constantly reminded of songs that I have enjoyed for years, but have forgotten about for various reasons.

So I talked to S___ yesterday...

I have the most amazing friends. Seriously. Not because of anything they do for me specifically, just because of who they are, and the way they enrich my life.

We went to Logan on Saturday for a friend's birthday. It wasn't his birthday party, just his birthday and some of his friends in Logan happened to be having a party. So when everyone was getting ready to crash, and he wasn't quite ready to go, I decided to stay with him since the whole reason we were in Logan was because of him. We ended up talking for about 12 hours. A lot of it was talking things out and talking things through, but a lot of it was also just
T A L K I N G. I learned so much about this person that means more to me than almost anyone in my life.

I didn't know I could love people as much as I love my current (and forever) group of friends. Someone outside of the group made the observation that "It's like you're all in love with each other," and when I heard that, I had to agree. I have my friends, family and lovers (in the sense that we're all in love with each other) in one group. Does it get any better than that? My friend and I got along these lines of conversation and were talking about being single versus being in a relationship. At this point I wondered: What if, in twenty years, we're still single. But we have this AMAZING group of friends. Would it really be so terrible to have six other people that you're in love with and that mean everything to you for the rest of your life, as opposed to having that one person? That one person could be everything and absolutely incredible, but would it really be a bad thing if we had each other instead?

This is something I've been giving a lot of thought to over the last little while and I have come to the conclusion that for me, having six is far better than having one. I would rather be where I am with my family than conform to society's standard of "settling down" and being in a traditional relationship. I love my friends; I love my life more now than I ever have before. And that is largely due to my hand-picked family that IS my life.

I'm one of those people

I am one of those people that "surprise" takes my friends on dates. Actually, I never had until last night, but it was a fairly major faux pas.

So I was supposed to go to the Picasso to Monet exhibit with this guy last week, and (half) jokingly I said okay but only if he would take Girl too. He said yes, so then I told him that Skip was coming along as well. No big deal. We didn't end up going to the museum but started talking on Monday about going out this week. So we decided to go to Desert Edge last night to sit on the patio and I asked him if he minded if Skip and Girl joined us. A couple hours later, I received a phone call from Girl wondering if Scott could come along. I hesitated on this one. But in the end said okay. Mostly because Scott's been out of town the last two weeks and I just miss him and wanted to see him. Is that bad?

First off, I rode to the restaurant with Girl and Skip. I live with Girl, it makes sense since I don't have a car to ride with her. So already I felt like we were ganging up on him a little, albeit unintentionally. We went inside and met the guy, and I know that we can be slightly overwhelming so Skip went to the bathroom, he met Girl and then met Skip a couple minutes later. So far, so good. I still hadn't told him that Scott was coming, and I almost felt bad about it. Anyway, Scott showed up and met the guy and we grabbed a table and sat down. Girl and I can be a bit of a handful when we get together. We know this. Since Scott had been out of town, Girl and I got into our high-pitched, excited voices and start talking and laughing hysterically. The poor guy next to me at that point was not only on a non-date with me, but I had my three BEST friends with me and was more into them than I was into him. Oops.

Long story short: We were there for a couple of hours and I didn't completely ignore my date, but I was definitely not as attentive as I could have been. And I ALMOST felt bad.

New Tattoo

Oh, and I think I'm ready for my new tattoo.


I'm using the A Perfect Circle emblem as a template, but I want mine a couple inches lower and not quite as big. Since I'm a Pisces, I'm going to have two fish trailing each other. For some reason, I've just always envisioned the fish in royal blue, but we'll see when I get there.

It is what it is

My favorite saying in the whole world:

it is what it is

Fits any situation, really. To me, it means that whatever "it" is might be good or bad, but however I might feel about "it" doesn't change anything.

For example: The fact that someone very dear to my heart is lying to me upsets me not because of the actual lying, but because there's absolutely NO REASON for the lying. But, it is what it is, and I accept it and now take everything he says with a grain of salt, and a hint of skepticism. To call him on it would risk pushing him away and the lies are not earth-shattering so, to me, the cons outweight the pros of addressing this issue.

While I could go on and on about this saying, I just started feeling very lazy and will suffice it to say this:
Whether or not I am successful in keeping this in mind for interpreting circumstances that I come across does not change the fact that it's something I strive for. It helps me clear my head and not react (or overreact) in the heat of the moment. It prevents my "crimes of passion."

Writing for me

I write this blog for myself. I write so I can work out my feelings with regard to other people, situations and also myself. The things that I write may be interpreted however you wish, but remember that it doesn't matter what they mean to you. I'm the only one that matters here.

Girls, girls, girls

I originally posted this back in February and am reposting it now. It's interesting to note that when I first posted it, I was living with these girls and it just so happens that the last month I have been living with them again.

Here is the original post that I saved when I removed it:


So I moved in with a friend of mine for the month of February and she has two kids. Obviously I've been around children most of my life, but it's been a while. The three year old, Kalaya, likes to climb in bed with me. It's great because I like snuggling her but she falls asleep with a bag of crackers every night. Crumbs. Everywhere. For some reason, I can feel every single, tiny, miniscule piece that ends up between the sheets. Now I know why I was never allowed to eat cookies in bed.

Kalaya is a tantrum thrower. I know I was pretty bad, but I don't remember most of it. Nile, on the other hand, I remember throwing herself on the floor and hitting her head and screaming. This is the kind of tantrum Kalaya throws. Multiple times a day; especially at dinner and bath time. Dinner is a very casual affair. Very rarely are we expected to sit together or even eat together, but every so often when it is required, the girls don't like this change in routine. Kalaya has the scream that is so high pitched it makes you think your ears might start bleeding. This is a tantrum scream, but it's also a playtime scream. It becomes difficult to differentiate between the two, and my ears hurt regardless.

Allee, on the other hand, is fairly reserved. She is eight and EXTREMELY smart; we do her homework together and then she reads to me. She has just started losing teeth, and lost one of her front ones last week. It's so adorable with that space right in front. I don't get as much Allee time as I would like, but it is what it is, and Kalaya is a good substitute. I love these girls and it's been rewarding to have young children back in my life.
That's all.
♥

Subtle Sacrifices

We do it all day, every day. Things we would rather not do in order to accommodate the people we associate with; whether it be friends, family or colleagues. We eat on the patio, when we would rather eat inside. We go to this club, instead of that bar. Small things, really. Things that go unnoticed but in actuality do make a difference. I appreciate those who make subtle sacrifices for me. If I don't verbally express appreciation it's not because I don't feel it. So thank you, for doing those things that you do, even though you may not want to.

more pictures...

Here's a few more pictures.

Pictures

Piper called me today and complained that I don't post pictures with my writing. So here are some pictures from my friend Chantelle's birthday last Friday.

Cleansing

I started the Master Cleanse with a couple of friends on Tuesday so today is DAY 4. From the beginning, I haven't been terribly hungry but with normal hunger you start to feel hungry and then it progresses. When I get hungry with this, it's like all of a sudden I feel like I'm going to die if I don't get something RIGHT NOW! So I have my lemonade close by and whenever I get hungry, have some water/tea/lemonade.

Now this morning, I still have not had any lemonade despite having been up for an hour and a half because when I got to work, I made some mint tea and have my bottle of water next to me. Drinking is pretty constant throughout the day, but when I NEED sustenance, I go for the lemonade. I brought two 32ish oz. bottles of lemonade to work but don't want to go through it too quickly because once I'm out, I have to wait until I get home and today is a 10-hour day. Today's batch of lemonade has slightly less cayenne pepper because I noticed yesterday that my tastebuds are starting to feel a bit numb.

I've noticed (and it describes this in the book) that I have more mucus in my throat. I am slightly more congested, but my throat is pretty covered so I am constantly trying to swallow, since I never learned to spit. I have a slight fever, but all in all feel pretty good. I think I'm going to try and do it through next Sunday, September 7, which will be 13 days but it's a very doable goal.

We'll see how it goes...

Currently listening...

This month's post is dedicated to (one disc of) one album:

Tiesto - In Search of Sunrise 7

Disc: 1
1. Feel the Sun Rise - Banyan Tree
2. Wasted - Andy Duguid
3. Yohkoh (King Unique Original Mix) - King Unique
4. Space Katzle (Jerome Sydenham Remix) - Motorcitysoul
5. Feel the Rhythm (Ton Tb Dub Mix) - Three Drives
6. To Forever (Moonbeam Remix) - Rachael Starr
7. The Storm (Inpetto Remix) - Jerry Ropero
8. Get Lifted - Kamui
9. Ride (Tiesto Remix) - Cary Brothers
10. Denial - Airbase
11. Reason To Believe - Dokmai
12. 6am (Kyau & Albert Remix) - Cressida
13. Power of You - Allure
14. Hua-Hin - Clouded Leopard



I have been listening to this album for a week, nonstop. The disc that I have is not tracked, so I know the whole thing by minutes. My favorite is at minute 37, which is Ride (Tiesto Remix) - Cary Brothers. I really don't know what to write about it because the whole thing is amazing. So check it out.

Follow up

This is a follow-up to the post "Huh? What?" from July 21. And basically, the decision of whether to continue seeing him or not was made for me. He stopped calling on a regular basis, and then stopped calling pretty much altogether. And that's good.

Plus then a LOT of drama started involving him which has made it that much easier to stay away from him completely. So I'm done!

Wakeboards and mosquito bites

Beaucoup mosquito bites!

A couple weekends ago, I was down in Saratoga Springs with some friends and wakeboarded for the first time this summer. We had a blast out on the boat on Saturday evening and Sunday day. Saturday after we came off the lake, we were hanging around outside for just a bit when Skip told me that we were surrounded by a cloud of mosquitoes, and that we should probably head in. I told him that I don't get mosquito bites, which is my standard answer when people start complaining about the little buggers. In actuality, I do get bites, but I've decided that I must not be allergic to mosquitoes because the bites do not itch. I get little red dots that go away after a few days. John said the same thing, and sure enough, when Sunday rolled around, he and I were COVERED with bites. I have, literally, about 40 bites on my right shoulder and arm and I counted at least 35 on my right foot and leg. I've never met anyone else like me that gets bites, but doesn't get irritated by them. So here's to having blood like mine (and John's, I guess): Too bad most of you don't.

Pass the buck?

I work in an industry where EVERYTHING I deal with has to be accounted for, and the ability to account for it must remain intact for seven years. Whether it's the video, exhibits, or actual transcript of a deposition, if something is missing, there's a problem. So when I received a phone call this morning about missing exhibits from a deposition that was taken three weeks ago, the first thought is a little bit of panic trying to remember if I ever had the exhibits, and if so, if I'm the one that has misplaced them. This was dispelled when I talked to the reporter, who informed me that the attorney made a big deal about not wanting the reporter to take the exhibits, and not wanting the exhibits attached to the transcript. When she told me this, I called up the reporting firm that had initially called me and relayed my conversation with the reporter to the contact at the other firm. Now, in my mind, there was no problem on our end. We had done what needed to be done, and it's completely out of our hands. Or so I thought.

Twenty minutes later the phone rang again, and it was the same reporting firm telling me that the attorney told them that the reporter retained the exhibits in order to finish the transcript. So once again, I called the reporter and had THE SAME conversation that she and I had just had half an hour prior to this. That the attorney made a big deal, and was not very nice, about the reporter NOT taking the exhibits. So the reporter made sure that she left them there. So what else could I do except call the reporting firm back, and tell them again that neither the reporter, nor anyone at our firm had ever had the exhibits.

Several hours later, I received ANOTHER phone call, this time from a different person at the same firm who asked if I had talked to the reporter about the exhibits. This was irritating, to say the least, and when I repeated the conversation I had already had twice with the reporter, the woman at the other firm told me that she had spoken to the attorney and the witness, and both of them remember the reporter thumbing through the exhibits while at the job. I talked to the reporter AGAIN, and when I called the reporting firm back, told them that nobody from our firm had ever had the exhibits, and that I was sorry, but there was nothing else I could do for them. The level of disdain in the woman's voice was so great, it literally brought me to tears. Not because I felt bad about what had happened, but because I've already been an emotional wreck this week, and I hate getting yelled at, especially when I haven't done anything to deserve it.

Now obviously, somebody in this scenario is lying. The problem is, it's not me, and I have no idea how to go about finding out who it is. Not that it really matters at this point, but the fact that people are going in circles blaming everyone else when it would be so easy (and make my life much simpler) for someone to buck up and admit that they had the exhibits at one point, and do not have them anymore is frustrating to no end. ESPECIALLY when I found myself in a similar situation recently and when I realized that I had indeed lost the exhibits, immediately told the people that needed to know, and apologized profusely for it. My apology didn't bring them back, and it's still a bit of a sticky situation, but at least there can be trust. Because of what happened in the former situation, I'm having a hard time trusting the people at the other reporting firm, the attorney, and even the reporter that I work with.

I'm not saying that I always do the right thing, or do everything right, but it's very infuriating to think that a lot of people continually pass the buck until it becomes impossible to do so.

Currently listening...

1. Armin Van Buuren - Burned With Desire
2. Jem - They
3. Adam K - Long Distance
4. Kaskade - Your Love Is Black
5. Bob Sinclair - World Hold On
6. Sia - Lentil
7. Kaskade - 4 AM (Adam K & Soha Remix)
8. Zero 7 - The Pageant of the Bizarre
9. The Cure - Lullaby
10. The Cure - Just Like Heaven

So rather than compiling my list the day I post my "Currently listening..." I decided this time to build it throughout the month when I get stuck on a song (or songs), which resulted in a SUPER random list. Of course there's the expected house tracks, and the sentimental ones, but there's also songs I have kind of forgotten about, such as Lullaby. I was at a friend's house a couple of weeks ago and after a long, full, and tiring weekend, he was playing music for us and happened to play Lullaby. I love this song and have not heard it for years. So thank you, Frank.

World Hold On is my new Myspace song; I was listening to this one night with a couple friends while coming home from the club and I WISH I knew how to whistle! This is one of those songs that makes me happy every time I hear it.

The two songs by Kaskade are on his latest album, Strobelite Seduction, which I have mentioned repeatedly, but just cannot get enough of. A dj friend of mine played his remix of one of the tracks and the conversation that ensued was mostly about how the greatest thing about his mix was that now the song is eight minutes long; twice as long as the original, and worth every second of listening.

Then of course, there's Sia. I love her and true love lasts a lifetime. She is the vocalist for The Pageant of the Bizarre as well which is off Zero 7's album, The Garden. I just love her voice. The emotion she puts in is unbelievable. The best show I have EVER seen. Period.

Huh? What?

Some people are far more presumptuous than they should be. Or perhaps they are too presumptuous of certain situations. I'm hoping that the most recent assumptions made on my behalf fall into the latter category.

This guy I've been hanging out with invited me over on Friday night and when I got there proceeded to tell me that I had a crush on him, and that I know he's not looking for anything but I desperately wish that would change, and that I would move in with him and be with him in a heartbeat if he asked me to. Now, only ONE of those things is true. It is true that I have a crush on him. However, the biggest factor preventing me from EVER considering a relationship with him is that he has four children, and I am nowhere near ready to take on motherhood, especially if they're not my own children. Just because I have a crush on him, and enjoy spending time with him, DOES NOT mean I want a relationship with him. Yet somehow, that's all he hears from me. Not only am I not allowed to interrupt him while he's telling me things about myself, I don't even get a chance to respond. So now my question is this: Do I write him an email or text since I can't ever tell him out loud what I'm thinking? Or do I just stop hanging out with him altogether?

Both options have their advantages. I feel that I write fairly well and can express myself through writing so if I write an email detailing my thoughts and feelings, he'll be able to understand a bit more clearly where I'm coming from. Although, if I just cut him off completely, I don't have to worry about how he's going to interpret everything I say. Plus he lives in Herriman, which is just too far to consider a relationship, IF that's what EITHER ONE of us was interested in, which we're not.

After this terribly presumptuous conversation (PC) that we had, he then proceeded to tell me to not get attached to him. Of course, my immediate response is that I'm not getting attached. Which is mostly the case. I do feel an attachment to him, but on a much more platonic than romantic level. I consider him one of my friends and think that I know him better than most of his friends do, at the moment. So any attachment that I'm feeling, is not due to any romantic feelings that I might have, but rather for a friend. So after thinking about it, I told him I'm really not attached to him, in "that way."

Although speaking of attachment...two weeks ago he told me he loved me. So what am I supposed to do with that?? I asked him, and he said not to ever use that against him again. So I said I wouldn't, but I'm still awfully confused about the whole thing. Then, on Thursday morning (the day before the PC) I woke up to a text that said:

Its weird. Don't get the wrong idea...I miss you

Now, it seems to me, that I'm the one that should be worried about attachment issues. But I can't tell him this. It just doesn't work that way.

C'est la vie, right? There's always going to be decisions to be made and it seems to me that this one is not necessarily a right or wrong decision. My guess is that it will become a decision of convenience. So we'll see what happens over the next couple of weeks.

Currently listening...

1. ATB - Ecstasy
2. Jose Gonzalez - Crosses (Tiesto mix)
3. Ferry Corsten - Beautiful
4. Peter, Bjorn and John - Young Folks
5. The Engine Room - A Perfect Lie (Gabriel & Dresden mix)
6. Armin Van Buuren & DJ Shah feat. Chris Jones - Going Wrong
7. Peter, Bjorn and John - Paris 2004
8. Delerium feat. Sarah McLachlan - Silence (Oakenfold mix)
9. Kaskade - Move For Me
10. The Beach Boys - California Dreamin (Benny Benassi mix)

I love the people that introduce me to new music. A friend of mine decided to play Ecstasy over and over and over one Sunday morning and even though I had heard it literally 12 times in a row, I've still been listening to it for the last week and a half. On that Sunday morning, my friends were laying on the living room floor and that song was playing and of them asked me if I knew who it was. He happens to be much more of an ATB fan that I am, but I told him I was pretty sure that's who it was, and of course, he didn't believe me so I googled it and turns out, I was right!

So when I do my monthly "Currently listening..." post, I find myself listening to at least one song that I've listed before. Obviously, I like the music I listen to and want to share it (hence the posts) but I try not to repeat listings and as I was looking over past posts today, I realized that I had never listed Crosses. The Tiesto remix of that song is my favorite song from 2007. Whenever my friend Christian plays, I always ask him to play it for me. Unfortunately, you cannot get this mix on any album. It is simply unavailable. If you'd like to check it out, here's the link to my favorite video of it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wejDP_OtbdE

or you can get it here:
http://www.savefile.com/files/947963

If you watch the video, at one point it shows newspaper headlines and the translation is that there were 200 THOUSAND people on the beach in Rio for this show. I saw Tiesto at Harry O's last summer, and it was the smallest venue on his tour, but I just can't even comprehend that kind of crowd. Anyway, the point is that this song touches me and I wanted to share it.

Young Folks I heard almost two years ago from a friend of mine, long before it was heard on the radio. Listening to it just makes me happy. I can't whistle, so I can't really "sing" along with it, but I love it all the same. For about a year, it was my favorite song, you know the one that you can listen to on repeat and not get tired of it? That was this song for me until Crosses.

The new Kaskade album is awesome. Move For Me is the first track and I dig the opening of it so much. It's a bit syncopated and it gets inside you. I can't get enough of this music. This song has been stuck in my head for WEEKS. We went to see BT play at The Hotel a few weeks ago and listened to Kaskade's album all night long afterward and it made for a fantastic night! Move For Me has a great beat, melody and lyrics as well. Plus I haven't really liked Kaskade's more recent stuff, until now, which is nice because he's always been one of my favorite DJs.

So this one has been a very long "Currently listening..." but I like to share what makes me feel good. These songs get inside me.

Gay Pride

I love Gay Pride weekend. I love partying and eating and playing and staring at the crazies and everything else that it entails. The only difference this year was that I actually made it to the parade...I have missed it every year and think that missing it again would not have been too much of a tragedy. However...

We walked over to the pride grounds right after the parade and were there until they kicked us out at 6:30ish. How many hours of hula hooping and sunning are too many? I still can't answer that question but 7 1/2 seems to be pushing my limits in that department. Of course, there is the inevitability of tiring from the fact that several days of partying catches up to you sooner or later so perhaps the exhaustion at the end of Sunday was not from too many hours in the sun but merely a result of my body screaming at me to stop abusing it in the manner I am accustomed to.

I am still trying to recover but I started working full-time this week and getting up at 6:45am is not conducive to the recovery process. In conclusion, I leave you with this:

To all the gays (or at least the ones that are my friends): I love you, I love you, I love you. That's all!

Common Courtesy?

Perhaps I am slightly stuck in the ideal of the days before cell phones when people had to be where they said they would be, and do the things they said they would do or endure the wrath of their angry and/or disappointed friends, family, colleagues, and coexisting beings.

On a slightly unrelated note: If someone was doing a favor for you, I would think that you would be inclined to be kind to that person, and if the situation involving that favor changed, I would think that that person would be the first to know. I would think. However, that line of thinking is apparently incorrect, inferring from my recent experience.

The complete lack of respect and regard for others has me disappointed with the state of humanity. And I'm not one to feel down on myself (and those around me) simply because of a bad experience. But recently I have been on the receiving end of that disrespect and disregard, and it hurts. Someone in my life, that I care(d) about, completely dismissed my efforts to help. And this was after I had been ASKED to help. Now, this was no inconvenience for me whatsoever, but the absence of communication has me frustrated to no end. It has been eating at me ever since which bothers me even more because normally I don't hold on to things. In fact, I hardly ever even get mad so to be upset for over a week about this is quite troubling.

Okay, back to my point...be considerate of friends, acquaintances, others in general, or at least be considerate to those you need something from. It will make your life and theirs a hell of a lot easier. And one more thing, I hate flaky people. There is almost nothing that bothers me more. So if you're going to be a flake, stay away from me.

Currently listening...

1. Tal M. Klein - Emmylou's Petting Zoo (Omegaman Remix)
2. Incubus - Dig
3. Tal M. Klein - Plastic Starfish
4. Kaskade - It's You It's Me
5. Jack Johnson - On and On
6. Gym Class Heroes - Cupid's Chokehold
7. Incubus - The Warmth
8. Incubus - Clean
9. Daft Punk - Harder Better Faster Stronger
10. The Bravery - Time Won't Let Me Go

I think this is the most random "Currently listening..." yet. Tal M. Klein. AMAZING! He mixes funky beats with awesome melodies and great baselines. I can't stop listening to him. If anyone is interested, www.myspace.com/plasticstarfish. Check it out, you won't be disappointed.

Back to Incubus. I will always love their music. It doesn't necessarily cheer me up, but it expresses things I feel for me so that I don't have to discover how to express it myself. The Warmth is one of my all-time favorite songs because of the lyrics. Clean is more about the beat for me. I love the opening of Clean and it will always make me think of going to see Napoleon Dynamite when we were in Phoenix for Piper's wedding. We were walking out of the theater and I heard the song start. I knew that I knew the song, but it took me a few measures before I could place it.

Now Kaskade. I know I've written about him before, but honestly, he is one of my favorite (and one of the most talented) house djs. It's You It's Me is my favorite Kaskade song, but really, they're all good.

The question posed: Would you rather be blind or deaf? I don't even have to think about it. I could not live without music. There would be no point to my life if there wasn't a soundtrack to it. A soundtrack to my soul. Obviously, then, I would rather be blind. Absolutely no hesitation, no doubt.

I was at a club one night, and someone asked me if I had ever heard the song that was playing. The answer was no, so the follow-up question was how I knew when it going to drop, or when the beat would break. The answer: I just feel it. For those who appreciate house/trance/electronica/etc. it just works. You just feel it. You get it and it does something for you! JUST FEEL IT

Building it up to let it go...

I've known this was coming for about seven or eight weeks, but I'm so glad it is finally here. The person I was dating broke up with me about six weeks ago and I have been waiting for him to leave. I know that I have built it up but I think in some strange way that will make it easier for me once he is gone. The fact that he has stopped talking to me completely within the last two weeks is also making it easier to let go.

Part of the reason I have been holding on to this is because this was the first relationship I have had in about five years. So while I did like him a whole lot (I may have even been a little in love), I think a big part of why I didn't want to let go is because I like the idea of him. Which is interesting, because I told him that just a few weeks into us dating. The following is an email that I sent him, albeit unintentionally, after he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted a relationship with me; that he wasn't sure if the spark was there (emphasis added):

after putting quite a lot of thought into this weekend here's what i've come up with:

i feel like i am ready for a relationship therefore i am looking for one. if you are not feeling like you want one with me then i don't want to hinder other possibilities because i'm holding on to the thought of you. so unfortunately (or maybe not) i need to either progress with you, or stop dating you altogether

I wrote that on February 12, five weeks after we started dating. So I already knew that I was holding on to the idea of a relationship, not necessarily him. Then why was I so heartbroken the first month after he broke up with me? Obviously things change, and things had changed a lot from the time I wrote that email to the time we broke up, but even still, it feels like I knew it wasn't going to work from the beginning so I deceived myself for a long time thinking that it could.

The whole point of this is that I have been building up to his departure and now that it's here, I think it will be an instantaneous break from my heart. I'm ready.

Currently listening...

1. Gabriel & Dresden - Tracking Treasure
2. Late Night Alumni - Empty Streets (Kaskade mix)
3. Sia - Day Too Soon
4. Tiesto feat. Christian Burns - In the Dark
5. Oasis - All Around the World
6. Tal M. Klein - Don't
7. Depeche Mode - I Feel Loved (Danny Tenaglia mix)
8. Portishead - Mysterons
9. Oceanlab - Satellite
10. Annie Lennox - No More "I Love You's"

I've discovered Pandora.com, and while I don't always agree with the track list, it's MUCH easier than playing dj on youtube. However, I did have to play Tiesto, Kaskade, and Gabriel & Dresden on youtube. Sometimes I have to hear a song, and it's the quickest way to satisfy that urge.

Kaskade is going to be in Salt Lake on Friday, May 2 and I will do anything to go. The last time I saw him was November 2006 at the Depot with BT and he was INCREDIBLE. I love his music, and he's nice to look at too.

I love house music, and vocal house especially. I love trance. I'm loving trip-hop right now as well. I love music in general

contrite

I never meant to hurt you. I'm sorry that I've upset you. But what's done is done and I hope you'll forgive me for it. I want to be with you more than anyone else and I wish that you would let me back into your life and let me build trust. This is worth working on; I promise you that.

I meant everything that I said and it's all still true.

WOW

The last few weeks have brought new people into my life, allowed me to keep my distance from other people, and changed my relationships with almost all people. My life has been enriched in so many ways, specifically by three wonderful individuals who have decided to make me part of their life and love me wholly for who I am.

And the most exciting part is that I get to go on my first vacation in about four years!

Oh yeah...I had my birthday a few weeks ago; if you're really that interested reference MySpace Birthday Blog.

Currently listening...

1. Fragma - Toca Me (Inpetto 2008 mix)
2. ATB - Renegade (A&T mix)
3. New Order - Bizarre Love Triangle
4. Motorcycle feat. Tiesto - As The Rush Comes
5. Dirty Vegas - Days Go By
6. Death Cab for Cutie - I Will Follow You Into the Dark
7. Snow Patrol - Set the Fire to the Third Bar
8. Tiesto - ISOS 5 (first three tracks)
9. A Perfect Circle - Brena
10. Paul Oakenfold (feat. Brittany Murphy) - Faster Kill Pussycat

Songs that make me happy and sad. Fast songs and slow songs. Most of these remind me of a particular person or situation and I can't listen to them without thinking of that person, or being transported back into that situation. The remixes of the first two songs are the only ones I will listen to. I haven't found another mix that even comes close to those listed.

The music video for Days Go By is one of my all-time favorites. The Death Cab and Snow Patrol videos are also among those that I could watch over and over and over. Martha Wainwright's haunting vocals on Set the Fire to the Third Bar are what initially drew me to that song. Incredible. Absolutely incredible.

and so it goes...

I know that I set myself up for this but it still hurts. And just when it seems that things are falling into place, there's that one person or action or instance that throws a wrench into my perfectly manicured life. He created a web of deceit and made it impossible to decipher what was actually reality.

It hurts to know that the most important thing in my life is gone. Partially by my own choice, and partially by his own discretion. I work five hours a day, five days a week. Other than that, we were together all the time. Nobody spends that much time with one person. We slept in the same bed, we had all the same friends, we went to the same bars. Even if we were just at home, we never tired of each other or reached the end of the obviously bottomless cache of conversation topics.

So even though I am not in love with him, I love him so much that my heart is broken. It hurts.

Currently listening...

1. Sia - The Girl You Lost to Cocaine
2. System of a Down - Aerials
3. Incubus - Beware! Criminal
4. Incubus - Warning
5. Incubus - 11 am
6. Incubus - Summer Romance (Anti-Gravity Lovesong)
7. Chicane - Saltwater
8. Incubus - The Warmth
9. Wax Poetic (feat. Norah Jones) - Angel
10. Sia (2007 KCRW set) - Breathe Me

So I kind of went on an Incubus kick (obv) but it reminded me of how much I truly love their music. Sia...what can I say about her except she is AMAZING. I saw her perform a couple of weeks ago and I had tears in my eyes and chills up and down my arms, legs, spine, and entire body. If you are unfamiliar with her music, you should definitely check it out. Her name is Sia Furler and she's Australian. She's very weird; cuckoo weird but still adorable. Her music, especially the lyrics mean so much to me.

additional feedback

if anyone is interested, here is the link for the complete "feedback" posting...

http://physicsoffun.blogspot.com/2008/02/feedback-is-just-feedback_11.html

"Feedback" ...thanks Nick

Are you willing to shift out of defensiveness into genuine curiosity by opening yourself to learning from all that is showing up in your life?

This question is part of a post that my friend Nick put up on Monday and it got me to thinking...as I'm sure it was meant to. The gist of his post was that everything in our life is "feedback." Basically cause and effect.

So here's my take on it:

I am willing to do my best to not blame others for ANYTHING that occurs in my life. I am a responsible adult and can (and should, and will definitely try to) accept my decisions/consequences. I will own them. I will learn from them; both positive and negative are learning experiences as long as you're looking for a lesson.

Update #1

So I know I've been slightly out of touch with the fam lately and I apologize for that but here is a bit about what I've been doing (or not doing as it may be)...

I live in the es el see (SLC).

I work as a secretary for a court reporting firm; Monday through Friday 12:30-5:30 pm. Can't really ask for a better schedule than that.

I have not finished my bachelor's degree, but am not in school either. I will be back, you can count on it.

I am not married.

I thought I was dating someone, but it turns out we're not.

I live less than five miles away from my family but do not see them as often as I would like.

I will be 24 this year; yikes! March 15; I know, I know, "Beware the Ides of March."

My life is somewhat boring, but I'm complacent with the way things are...Guess I'll try and blog to keep up with all ya'll. :)