Currently listening...

1. Gabriel and Dresden - Enemy
2. Oceanlab - Miracle (Martin Roth vocal remix)
3. Eurhythmics - Here Comes the Rain Again (Freemasons remix)
4. Chris Lake - Only One
5. Oceanlab - On a Good Day
6. Treitl Hammond feat. Dominique - Little More (Manendra remix)
7. Goldfrapp - Black Cherry
8. Nightmares On Wax - 70s 80s (RJD2 remix)
9. Robbie Rivera - Float Away (Dubfire remix)
10. Chris's Last Words

Eight of the ten songs listed remind me of Christian. Unfortunately, the last song listed is one that I may never know the actual title or artist because it's part of one of Christian's sets. S___ titled it "Chris's Last Words" so I'm going with that but won't be able to truly share it.

"Enemy" is on the same set and it is my new favorite song. My favorite line is "incremental changes and incidental highs". But really, all of the lyrics in this one are very meaningful, at least to me.

I remember the first time he played "Here Comes the Rain Again" for me and G___. We were at a house party down in Provo in September and S___ came and brought us to the dance floor to hear it.

The two Oceanlab songs and "Little More" are on Skip's Picks: Vol. 2. "Little More" is nice and dirty and fun to dance to. Oceanlab helped me and my family get through the days just following Christian's death.

I remember Christian talking about "Only One" and "Float Away" with G___. And that's how most of my music is. It reminds me of him because I can hear what he said about it. Or I remember the look on his face the first time he played a song. Or how excited he was about doing a remix. Thank you, Christian.

Following suit...

I was reading the blog of a friend today and he said:

I am deciding to make this blog, more blog like, with humor filled stories from my day to day. It’s more for my prosperity than anything else.

Now, I know he meant "posterity" instead of "prosperity" but it made me laugh so I decided to quote it directly. Anyway, the point is that after reading that, I decided to try and follow this paradigm. I'm not sure how many funny stories I have in my day to day, but I laugh a lot so that must mean I have some.

Of course, nothing funny has happened today since I have a MASSIVE hangover. But I'll get back to being funny soon enough and start posting the funnies for everyone's (or at least C__'s since I know she reads this) enjoyment.

Deliver Me

Every time I looked through the CDs in the car, I would see "Deliver Me" and think it was another album called "Deliverance" and when I realized it wasn't, I never put it in. Deliver Me is a set compiled by my friend Christian Seamons, aka DJ Pilot. He was 32, and died early on February 16, 2009. Since then, I have listened to Deliver Me, and many other of his sets several times.

I had not been to a viewing since my dad, 18 years ago. Initially, the body in the casket did not look like Christian, but the more I looked, the more I could see him in there. At the funeral the next day, G___ and I could not handle ourselves appropriately and so we left. We took several of Christian's CDs and drove around celebrating him in the way that we found most fitting. We were laughing and dancing and having fun. Saturday was probably the hardest day of my entire life, but it was also a really good day. G___ and I joked all day that even though we didn't have anything except the funeral planned, we had so much to do that we were glad we could squeeze the funeral into our schedule. Nothing we did was inappropriate, although perhaps some people might have viewed it that way.

All week leading up to the funeral, his death had hit me really hard, but at the same time was still so surreal that I felt like perhaps I might still wake up and he would be here. And though I know that he's not, I still can't quite believe that Christian will never play another song for me. Crosses (the Tiesto remix) was the song that I would always request for him to play. And every time he played it, I was right there, front and center, dancing and singing for him. S___ made the comment on Saturday that while Christian played requests, there was something special about the relationship that G___ and I had with him that was different when he played our requests. It was like he was always waiting for us to arrive, and was so excited when we would finally show up. We used to tell people that "we bring the dj and the dancers and the party enhancers!" meaning S___ and Christian.

I am one of very few people who called him Christian. To most people, he was Chris. Even this, in my mind, made the relationship that I had with him a bit more special. He was a big brother that I never had. And I love him and miss him so so much.

This is the first time I have dealt with death as an adult, and the feelings and emotions are COMPLETELY different than with my dad. The memories that I have with my dad are special, because he was my dad. But the memories I have about Christian will always make me happy. There is so much music that he introduced me to and every time I hear one of those songs, I will think of him. Music invokes such vivid memories anyway and now that Christian is gone, they are more valuable to me.

Someone made a comment to me last night that I am too young to have friends die. Which I fully agree with, but doesn't change the fact that it happens. My dad was 33; Christian was 32. Perhaps it will always feel like I am too young for my friends and family to die.

Lawrence, KS: Part Deux

I have had a great time here in Lawrence. It has definitely been a learning experience. K___ has opened up to me more than ever, and I have really appreciated that. I don't know what it all means, or where to go from here, but I feel like we are progressing in some sort of positive direction. On Friday night, all we did was talk. And he did almost all of the talking.

There isn't much in Lawrence besides the University of Kansas, but in my opinion, we don't need much besides each other right now. Just hanging out has been very enjoyable. We drove around the campus yesterday and that was fun. It also got me excited to get back into school myself. It's nice to talk to him about school because he's so supportive, and has been quite inspiring for me; watching him pursue his dream.

I can't complain about where things are right now. I don't expect them to change any time soon, but am hopeful for the future.

what does that MEAN?

I'm not exactly sure when I became that girl, but I find myself doing things because of the boy that I'm interested in. I like sports, but I have been following his team lately so that I can talk to him about it. Weird! Well, maybe not...I mean, it's natural to find and share common interests, right?

One of the things that draws me to him is his intelligence. But his specific interests, while many are the same as mine, don't always automatically appeal to me so I try and educate myself on topics that grab his attention. I'm not pretending to like them just because he does, but I feel like it's beneficial to expand my horizons because of him. So getting to the title of this post, what does all of this MEAN? Am I sabotaging a potential relationship by doing things that I might not normally do? I don't think I'm pretending to be someone I'm not but I also feel like I'm not in a position to judge that.

I guess it is what it is.

Back to Kansas

I'm going back to Kansas next Friday, the 13th. I can't even express how excited i am for this! K___ booked my ticket last night and made my day, night, week, weekend, etc. I leave at 8:00am on the 13 and fly in to SL at 7ish on the 17. It's going to be a nice, long weekend. I'm looking forward to spending more time with him. It will be nice to just relax and BE with someone. Last time I was there we only went out once, and I imagine that this time will be about the same. I can't wait!

My life!!

So I do like my new job but of course the first time I was on my own, I made SEVERAL mistakes. Not huge, "they're going to fire me" mistakes, but enough to make me look completely incompetent. I forgot that they needed a projector, but that was an easy fix. I forgot to get petty cash for people paying at the door. I didn't print enough materials. But the biggest one was that I didn't order enough food. I know this is a big one, but you'd think that not getting lunch was like asking them to go without food for a week! Anyway, disaster was averted when there was extra food from another event however, I still got the most withering looks.