Deliver Me

Every time I looked through the CDs in the car, I would see "Deliver Me" and think it was another album called "Deliverance" and when I realized it wasn't, I never put it in. Deliver Me is a set compiled by my friend Christian Seamons, aka DJ Pilot. He was 32, and died early on February 16, 2009. Since then, I have listened to Deliver Me, and many other of his sets several times.

I had not been to a viewing since my dad, 18 years ago. Initially, the body in the casket did not look like Christian, but the more I looked, the more I could see him in there. At the funeral the next day, G___ and I could not handle ourselves appropriately and so we left. We took several of Christian's CDs and drove around celebrating him in the way that we found most fitting. We were laughing and dancing and having fun. Saturday was probably the hardest day of my entire life, but it was also a really good day. G___ and I joked all day that even though we didn't have anything except the funeral planned, we had so much to do that we were glad we could squeeze the funeral into our schedule. Nothing we did was inappropriate, although perhaps some people might have viewed it that way.

All week leading up to the funeral, his death had hit me really hard, but at the same time was still so surreal that I felt like perhaps I might still wake up and he would be here. And though I know that he's not, I still can't quite believe that Christian will never play another song for me. Crosses (the Tiesto remix) was the song that I would always request for him to play. And every time he played it, I was right there, front and center, dancing and singing for him. S___ made the comment on Saturday that while Christian played requests, there was something special about the relationship that G___ and I had with him that was different when he played our requests. It was like he was always waiting for us to arrive, and was so excited when we would finally show up. We used to tell people that "we bring the dj and the dancers and the party enhancers!" meaning S___ and Christian.

I am one of very few people who called him Christian. To most people, he was Chris. Even this, in my mind, made the relationship that I had with him a bit more special. He was a big brother that I never had. And I love him and miss him so so much.

This is the first time I have dealt with death as an adult, and the feelings and emotions are COMPLETELY different than with my dad. The memories that I have with my dad are special, because he was my dad. But the memories I have about Christian will always make me happy. There is so much music that he introduced me to and every time I hear one of those songs, I will think of him. Music invokes such vivid memories anyway and now that Christian is gone, they are more valuable to me.

Someone made a comment to me last night that I am too young to have friends die. Which I fully agree with, but doesn't change the fact that it happens. My dad was 33; Christian was 32. Perhaps it will always feel like I am too young for my friends and family to die.